Bons Mots?

Bons Mots?

Mon compatriote de l’Irlande, Richard Cantillion, dans Essai sur la Nature du Commerce en Général, écrit que l’entrepreneur prend des risques. Je pense qu’ils risquent la mort, (parce que beaucoup d’entrepreneurs deviennent entrepreneurs de pompes funèbres pour leurs entreprises,) spécifiquement la petite mort.

Cependant, dans certaines circonstances vous ne devriez pas risquer la petite mort. Vous ne devriez pas participer les membres de la famille, éviter aussi les enfants, attendre jusqu’à ce qu’ils sont légalement autorisés, et bien sûr, il y a beaucoup de problèmes de réglementation concernant les animaux.

Les gens disent que vous ne devriez pas faire cavalier seul (un solopreneur?), au contraire, il est souvent la meilleure option, au moins vous avez seulement à vous soucier de vous, par conséquent, il ne est pas trop risqué.

Hollywood, Here I Come! Part 2

Hollywood, Here I Come! Part 2 

Bad news, guys, the Captain Planet reboot has been put into turnaround by the studio.

On the upside, due to the success of X-Men: Days of Future Past, I’m pitching 20th Century Fox a Magneto pre-sequel movie capitalizing on Michael Fassbender’s Irishness.

Spoiler Alert!
After fleeing the Holocaust as a boy, Erik Lehnsherr is taken in and raised by a prominent Ascendancy family in County Kerry, Ireland (thus accounting for Magneto’s Anglo Irish accent).

Many years later a CIA agent informs Erik, who now calls himself Magneto, that President John F. Kennedy is in fact a mutant. Intrigued by the promise a mutant president could hold, Magneto meets with JFK during his presidential trip to Ireland in June 1963.

INT. ÁRAS AN UACHTARÁIN — NIGHT
JFK and Magneto sit opposite one another before an open turf fueled fireplace.

JFK
Erra, Erik, we must learn to live with the humans, not because it is easy, but because it is hard.

MAGNETO
Arra, Jack, I don’t know if we can live with the humans, they’re a shower of gobshites half the time.

In November of 1963 the CIA agent warns Magneto that there is to be an assassination attempt on JFK. Magneto heads to Dallas in the hopes of saving Kennedy but it turns out the CIA lured him to the scene of the assassination in order to frame and capture him.

Finally Magneto is taken to a plastic prison in the depths of the Pentagon to await the day when he can escape and avenge his fellow mutants against humanity.

I’m still not sure what Kennedy’s mutant abilities should be, but the power to seduce seems like a plausible one.

Wish me luck!

Stay tuned for further updates.

The World Is Eating Software

The World Is Eating Software

Software is eating the world, this much is true, and if a new cache of documents posted to Mickey-D-Leaks is to be believed then McDonald’s has realized this and is planning to disrupt themselves by getting in on the next paradigm shift in mobile computing: the e-cigarette.

This is a logical step for McDonald’s as many of their customers are already on the verge of inhaling their food. The new product will be called the McCig (or McFag in the U.K. and Ireland) and, using a new patented technology, will allow users to download items from the software menu like the vaporized Happ-e-Meal or the eMac.

The e-cigarette arm of the McDonald’s corporation is to be known as Mc2 with a new and well funded international branding effort positioning themselves with great figures of times past (similar to Apple’s “Think Different” campaign), currently titled “e=Mc2”.

Mc2’s monetization strategy is centered around the software menu and they plan to make cartridge refills free at all participating restaurants while including the McCig hardware with traditional McDonald’s fare, such as the Mighty Kids Meals.

Despite what some analysts have said, McDonald’s hunger for a piece of the mobile internet isn’t just a load of (flavored) hot air, as the leaks make it abundantly clear that Mc2 will not be sated until the world is eating software.

Spank You Kindly

Spank You Kindly 

Concerning the matter of discipline I often hear people say something to the effect of, “I was spanked as a child and it didn’t do me any harm.” Indeed, it didn’t do them any harm then, and it shan’t do them any harm now. Spanking adults is the ultimate deterrent for abhorrent behavior in society and should be embraced wholeheartedly by citizens and law enforcement alike.

All violence should be directed towards the posterior, no hitting the face. If the first couple of smacks across a clothed derrière do not do the job, pull down their pants, or pull up their skirt, and spank their bare bottoms. Please note that spanking with weapons (e.g. paddles, belts, hairbrushes, wooden spoons, slippers, or sally rods) should only be inflicted upon those who insist on fighting back.

Now I know some of you bleeding hearts out there find the notion of sadistically humiliating adults (though not children) painful, but let’s face it, a good arse reddening is the only way to get through to most people. So quit your whining, bend over, and take it like a grownup.

The Manrattan Project

The Manrattan Project

There is a war for the future of New York City and we humans are losing. Who is winning? Rats, yes that’s right, rats, those vile, disease spreading, exponentially reproducing rodents. If decisive action is not soon taken I fear their numbers will grow so large that it will make them impossible to defeat. Don’t believe me? I myself was skeptical until last week when I got on the subway at Union Square and witnessed a number of rats unfazed and unafraid of human passengers, one of them wouldn’t even give up its seat so a pregnant lady could sit down.

Thankfully I believe I have found a way to deliver NYC from this scourge: develop nuclear fusion using deuterium (2H) to fuel the fusion reaction, and flood the underground (probably in the form of 2H2O) so the rats end up consuming large quantities of it. What’s that dear reader? Why would we want the rats to imbibe large amounts of deuterium? I’m glad you asked. You see deuterium ingested in sufficient quantities will sterilize (not poison) mammals thus if the rats’ biochemical hydrogen composition is largely deuterium then the wretched creatures can no longer reproduce.

 2R+2H2O→0

While combining two deuterium atoms together will give birth to helium, when two rats come together they shall birth no more, (also a nice side effect is that the electrified third rail in the subway [the one I hope those cursed vermin touch] will be powered by a zero carbon emitting energy source.) So I ask you to do your duty as a denizen of New York and start a letter writing campaign to elected officials, tell them that the future will be bright and rat free if the war effort is powered by nuclear fusion.

Hollywood, Here I Come!

Hollywood, Here I Come!

 

Great news, guys, I’ve just been cast as Wheeler in the upcoming adaptation of the Captain Planet franchise.

Relativity’s Ryan Kavanaugh is producing, while Brick and Looper helmer Rian Johnson has signed on to write and direct. Apparently the studio wants to go for a darker, more realistic tone like Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy.

The current plan is to start with standalone origin stories for each of the five Planeteers and then let their powers combine in a Captain Planet mega movie just like Marvel did with The Avengers and Warner Bros. is planning to do with Justice League.

Yvonne Strahovski, of Chuck and Dexter fame, is set to play my love interest, the arrestingly beautiful Eastern European, Linka.

No word yet on the rest of the cast.

I know how beloved the Wheeler character is to Captain Planet fans so believe me when I say I intend to portray him with fire (and maybe heart if Ma-Ti is written into the script). Shooting is slated to begin this year with the studio eyeing a summer 2015 release.

Stay tuned for further updates.

Cock Blockers

Cock Blockers

The cock ban in New York City has been in action for over a hundred years, but recent crowing from legislators has the National Rooster Association (NRA) afraid other cities, and perhaps states, will enforce similar legislation and outlaw cock possession across America.

Some citizens say the law enacted in New York is completely antiquated and that it is a travesty for the NRA to get treated in such a manner, others fear if the law were ever repealed it would have dangerous repercussions and lead to an increase in violence (for example, cockfighting) and early morning disturbances.

When asked what he thought about the early morning disturbances an NRA official said, “I think it’s great, it’s like a horn first thing in the morning.” Surprisingly he went on to admit that his personal ownership of a cock was one of the main reasons his wife agreed to marry him.

In an attempt to meet the NRA halfway, legislators in certain areas have proposed checks on members instead of an outright ban on cock possession. However the NRA firmly believes the checks are not needed and view it as just another way to interfere with people’s privacy.

Legislators have labeled the NRA “stiff” and “hardheaded” with regards to their stance on this issue. In response to these charges, the NRA released a statement saying in no uncertain terms that, “If legislators want to touch our cocks they will have to pry them from our cold dead hands.”

 

Tumbril Time!

Tumbril Time!

For the one year anniversary of Alexander Cockburn’s passing.

A tumbril (n.) a dung cart used for carrying manure, now associated with the transport of prisoners to the guillotine during the French Revolution. 

Prosecutor Fouquier-Tinville has announced that the following are to be brought to revolutionary justice.

The arrest and incarceration in the Conciergerie of “Cyberterrorism” occurred without a single dissenting voice, and justly so. Merriam-Webster defines Cyberterrorism as: terrorist activities intended to damage or disrupt vital computer systems[i]. In that case “Cyberterrorism” could be charged to some of the most powerful governments (ahem Stuxnet) on Earth. Many would have us believe that a reign of cyberterror is imminent, citoyens actifs, do not be fooled by this worthless compound.

The tumbril will not long delay for “Cyberterrorism” nor will it tarry for “Spirituality” in its numinous guises.

The vagueness of “Spirituality” allows people to peddle all sorts of nonsense. “I’m spiritual but not religious” is a choice phrase among the spiritual. Often they will sprinkle in a little quantum mysticism for good measure abusing concepts like the anthropic principle, and God Particle has been a particular source of fortitude during the last decade. Co-conspirators of “Spirituality” to be consigned along with it are: “Oneness,” “Energy,” and even, “Universe.” 

Worry not, “Spirituality” may be non-corporeal, but it shall not escape the swift blade of justice.

Finally, rumors have been sweeping the Revolutionary Tribunal that the outlook for “Economic Forecast” is bleak, especially when it comes to the long run; this is hardly surprising given the complete failure to forecast the global economic decline back in 2007. Prosecutor Fouquier-Tinville tartly remarked that: there will be no recovery for this “Economic Forecast,” but a brief rendezvous with Madame Guillotine at the Place de la Révolution looks ever likely in the short run.

Although, “Economic Forecast,” you will not see it coming from the dank dungeons of the Conciergerie, ask not for whom the tumbril rolls, it rolls for thee.

Into the tumbril with it!

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[i] [i]“ Cyberterrorism” Merriam-Webster 1994  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cyberterrorism

Di No

Di No

Hay un cartel que causa más daño que cualquiera de los carteles de droga, este cartel mata lentamente durante muchos años, y puede tomar muchas formas, por ejemplo: maíz, trigo, cebada.

El cartel del que hablo es el cartel de grano.

El cartel de grano contribuye a las epidemias de obesidad y diabetes envenenando a la gente con gluten,  jarabe de maíz alto en fructosa, y los carbohidratos refinados que el cuerpo humano no es capaz de procesar.

La  mala influencia del cartel comenzó hace miles de años atrás y que incluso engañó a Jesús, el Hijo de Dios, con la propaganda: “Danos hoy nuestro pan de cada día.”

Hoy en día su máquina de propaganda dice que el grano entero es bueno para el corazón. ¿Donde está la evidencia? Todavía no se ha encontrado. Los carteles de la cocaína pueden ser violentos, pero al menos ellos no tienen el descaro de pretender que su producto es beneficioso para el corazón.

Yo sé que los granos son muy adictivos, y sé que es difícil el no consumirlos especialmente si uno está con amigos, o en una fiesta y todo el mundo está disfrutando de ellos, pero es por el bien de nuestra salud que renunciamos a nuestra adicción a los productos malignos del cartel de grano

Entonces este cinco de Mayo di si a la vida, di no a los granos.

Squirrel Away

Squirrel Away

Recently I went for a stroll and came upon a little squirrel with bushy black fur searching about for sustenance on a bitter winter’s morning. At the same time a person walked past, they glanced at the squirrel, as it stood proudly atop a trashcan, and then uttered the following word: “Squigger.”

I could hardly believe my ears. They called the black squirrel a “squigger” (an obviously vulgar portmanteau). Having never had the displeasure of previously hearing this vile slur I decided to look up its meaning.

Urban Dictionary has this to say on the word.

 Squigger: A small black squirrel that runs around like it runs shit. Usually found in urban areas.[1]

A Google search shows numerous popular websites using the word without compunction; some have gone so far as to post compromising pictures of black squirrels amid the pejorative term.

Am I the only one offended by this type of derogatory language? As of yet I have not heard a squeak from the animal rights community on the matter, and the environmentalists are nowhere to be seen which I think is nothing short of a betrayal, for they well know that squirrels were among the first tree huggers.

If this word does not connote the complete failure of political correctness I don’t know what does. It’s a sick society we live in when even woodland creatures cannot go about their daily business without being subjected to the paroxysms of inhuman epithets.

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[1] ”squigger” urbandictionary.com, by Zach 2004. http://www.urbandictionary.com (21 February 2013).