Seen And Not Whored

Seen And Not Whored

The local strip club has been a cornerstone of communities for generations, but this longstanding institution is in jeopardy as an underground phenomenon known as snuggling appears to be siphoning off both female employees and male clientele at an alarming pace.

Professional snugglers offer various forms of hugging, spooning and cuddling at hourly rates, often doing business out of establishments called snuggle houses, though streetwalkers have been spotted in some major metropolitan areas. When I asked a former stripper and now full time snuggler, who goes by the pseudonym, Snuggleupagus, about her new career, she said,”The key is keeping regular clients. It’s not easy getting them to come back, and it’s not just the snuggling, yeah, we do try lots of different positions, but it’s more than that, it’s the conversation too.” Snuggleupagus then introduced me to one of her regulars, John, who was a strip club patron but now exclusively visits snuggle houses; John seemed conflicted on the matter of professional snuggling, and said, “It doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife.”

Strip club owners are understandably hostile towards snuggling, a growing faction are threatening to band together and prohibit strippers-cum-snugglers from working the pole in a gentlemen’s club ever again. Snuggleupagus, herself remarked on her former employer’s antagonism, “I hear them, but at the end of the day what we do with our bodies is our business.”

Got Milk?

Got Milk?

We are at the dawn of a new era in human food production: the products will be healthful, locally sourced, and will lead to employment opportunities for thousands, possibly millions. I refer, naturally, to the wholesome goodness of human dairy.

At this time the problem is not demand, but supply. Human milk banks are too few and far between, there simply isn’t enough to go around for this nascent industry to grow to its full potential. We need more people producing and selling their milk to solve the supply problem, as lactation is not just the domain of women, men can get in on the act too through the stimulation of prolactin secretion by way of mammary pumping and/or suckling.

Although human dairy is not likely to receive subsides à la the animal dairy industry, which has long been in the bosom of big government, a number of experimental creameries are in the process of being setup across the nation. Therefore, those of you eager to taste rich, creamy human produce, such as butter, yogurt, cheese, even ice cream and custard, or keen to sell your own fresh squeezed milk, be sure to keep yourselves abreast.

Slurred Speech

Slurred Speech

The word bastard isn’t anywhere near the most provocative slur, however due to society’s growing outrage over language use, regardless of intent or context, I for one plan to retire the misbegotten expression from my vocabulary.

Use of bastard in any manner will before long be considered pernicious if not hateful, especially as a record number of filii nullius are brought into the world kicking and screaming. Unwed mothers and fathers, along with their illegitimate spawn, will become incensed upon discovering its use, be it in the media or in general parlance. Petitions, boycotts and internet shaming of the culpable will follow until it becomes recognized hate speech.

I know a lot of you reading this probably think, ‘Johnny, you silly bastard,’ but soon enough you will utter it at your peril; usage will be as offensive as the f-word for homosexuals or the r-word for the intellectually disabled. Who knows, god willing, bastard may very well ascend to the rare heights inhabited by the n-word.

First World Problems

First World Problems

First World charity to Third World countries is in general terrific, but at times our fabulous beneficence goes a little too far. For example, has anyone else noticed the poor of the Third World increasingly wearing secondhand clothes donated by us in the First World?

The old, tattered frocks customarily worn by the unwashed masses of these godforsaken countries bore a certain charm, their rags were often fashioned by hand, and in the family for generations. But now that they’re sporting our unwanted apparel, they just look like poor people from the First World. (I saw one child wearing a Vancouver Grizzlies jersey – yeah, that’s not even old enough to be retro, for heaven’s sake.) Seriously, when people help poor people in a Third World country, they do not want to be reminded of poor people from a First World country!

Overall, I’m not advocating for the sudden reduction of charity to the Third World, who knows where those desperate, poverty-stricken unfortunates would be if it weren’t for us; but from henceforth, instead of clothing, let’s direct our unbounded generosity towards problems that are perhaps a tad more fitting.

Womyn Are From Venus

Womyn are from Venus

Planet Mars (named after the Roman god of war [typical violent male]) is receiving considerably more attention at the moment than the planet Venus (the Roman goddess of love and beauty [Earth’s sister planet]) with regards to interest in manned space exploration. “Is not Mars the best candidate for such endeavors?” you ask. No, once again this is just another manifestation of the Patriarchy rearing its ugly head.

Venus is a far superior option to Mars, she’s much nearer, so there is less of a communications delay, and given the eccentricity of Mars’ orbit, the launch windows for Venusian missions are a great deal more frequent than that of Martian excursions. Yes, she is roasting hot, and she does rain down sulphuric acid from time to time, but her gravity is similar to Earth (Mars’ is significantly weaker), and her atmosphere shields those deadly cosmic rays (of course Mars has no protection). Now, there is a downside, landing on the surface is probably not the optimal approach for exploring Venus as her atmospheric pressure is such that it will instantaneously flatten any object in the known solar system.

Venusian explorations are best conducted from the skies (about 30 miles up), where conditions are much more Mother Earth-like in temperature and pressure. Sadly, the Patriarchy’s drive to penetrate extraterrestrial regolith with their flagpoles prevents them from realizing that Venus is undoubtedly a better target than Mars, even if she won’t let people walk all over her.

Cheap Imitations

Cheap Imitations

Human cloning has the potential to change the world in a way few innovations have throughout history, but as with many disruptive technologies, it will bring obsolescence to previously existing paradigms.

One of the first casualties is most certainly going to be the adoption market. Why adopt when you could clone? The public domain is chockablock with remarkable people; think of the possible return on investment when raising a cloned child, whom you know has the potential for greatness, instead of rolling the dice on an average orphan where the odds of amounting to anything significant are heavily stacked against them.

Markets for extraordinary copyrighted clones will likely emerge as they could be monetized in a great many ways. Of course the troublesome issue of piracy will have to be dealt with if the copyrighted cloning industry is to reach maturity. The last thing anyone wants is the proliferation of pirated versions (people will sell them at a discount, or give them away for free like they will with orphans).

No, strict copyright law enforcement is going to be a necessity for the robustness of industry; otherwise the markets will be continually flooded with nothing more than cheap imitations.

Hollywood Here I Come! Part 3

Hollywood Here I Come! Part 3 

Good news and bad news, guys.

Bad news: The Magneto pre-sequel is in pre-production hell.

Good news: I’m writing, directing, and executive producing a new franchise called Revelations.

The main narrative is centered around Jesus Christ who comes again to save mankind from apocalypse. He reveals that the God of the Bible does not exist, rather God is a lie the Devil conjured, and human existence is a sick joke spun into play solely for the Dark Lord’s amusement.

During his crucifixion, Jesus has an epiphany that God must be the Devil, for how else could he allow a world of such pain and suffering to endure? Upon his death he sees that the gates of Heaven have not been opened and in a furious rage rises again on the third day to bring the Devil’s lies to light.

The resurrected Jesus seeks out the apostles, believing they will help him spread the truth. Unfortunately, under the threat of Satan’s wrath, the apostles, except for Judas, betray Jesus and turn him over to the Devil’s army of Hell’s Angels who place him in limbo. At last after two thousand years Jesus escapes with the aid of an irreverent renegade angel and sets out to finish what he started.

Once he’s back on modern day Earth, Jesus tries to convince the world that there is no God whilst raising an army to do battle with the forces of evil in the hopes of eventually overthrowing the Dark Lord and opening the gates of Heaven.

I’m going to propose the following tagline to the advertising department:

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he wasn’t God.“

A Christmas Day release date makes sense.

Stay tuned for further updates.

Precarian Revolution

Precarian Revolution

Technological innovation in the state capitalist world will lead to the vast majority of human labor being employed on a part-time basis thus compelling the proletariat class to transform into the precariat class.

Preceding prophecies asserting that the proletariat would overthrow the bourgeoisie were mistaken, it will in fact be the precariat who deposes the ruling classes once and for all. At the peak of state capitalist technological development a vanguard of part-time revolutionaries comprising of the entire precariat class will lead the revolt.

The revolution will be long, but because the precariat class is underemployed (unlike most of the proletariat) they have the precious time to engage in revolution if for no other reason than to alleviate their precarity and in turn end the materialist conception of history as we know it.

Let the ruling classes tremble at a Precarian Revolution.

Precariats of the planet, unite!

Coming In

Coming In

I think we can all agree that being cis heterosexual is pretty vanilla nowadays, the LGBTQ community seems to be a lot more exciting with the fight for equality and acceptance going full steam ahead. We gender conformists need something to spice up our lives. But what can we do?

Come in. Yes, we who identify as cis heterosexual should all come in so that we can eventually all come out. Coming in not only shows solidarity with those of the LGBTQ community who currently feel fear and shame about revealing their sexual preference to their family and friends, but with everyone having to come out, it will add a little mystery to one’s sexual orientation before the coming out party. Who knows, some might come in and then come out as something different altogether.

Sexuality of all orientations should be celebrated, and coming out is a privilege we should all be privy to so if you’re young or old, with a partner or single as could be, come on in so you can come on out.

Soiling Yourself

Soiling Yourself 

Of late there has been a popular movement towards ethical diets, whereby one abstains from the consumption of animal products on the grounds that it is wrong to impede or end animal life for the sake of sustenance. Those who hold such beliefs often become outright herbivores, and although this gesture is commendable, truthfully, I feel it does not go far enough.

Plants are alive too and a number of scientific studies have shown that they are indeed capable of feeling pain. In light of these findings the violence and degradation visited upon plant life is reprehensible. Many are uprooted from their homes or cut down in their primes, some never even get the chance to grow up at all, think of how many potential lives are snuffed out when people devour plant eggs (nuts) and plant embryos (seeds).

Instead of contributing to the ongoing herbicide I recommend you follow the practices of a new movement called Soiling. The main staple of the Soiling diet is various earths, clays, and sands which provide all the essential minerals and nutrients a human body needs to flourish. Since I’ve made this lifestyle change people are curious to know about my new eating habits; for dinner I like some Sahara sand, it can be a little dry but it goes down a treat with some mineral water, if I’m feeling especially peckish I find a turf is more filling, then for dessert I have either an ice pop or a mud pie.

Try Soiling yourself, while it does take a little getting used to, especially at night, in time you will sleep well knowing you consumed an ethical diet by living off the fat of the land.